Posted by: aronmwrites | October 19, 2007

first impressions

Since this is a new journal, I feel as though I should start off with some introductions; however, because writing here is currently serving some kind of personal cathartic purpose, I’m going to be selfish for the time being and only write when it benefits me. In the future, though, watch for more general commentary.

I’ve seen many transitional blogs that start the day someone goes on T (that’s testosterone, for the uninitiated). I’ve also seen just as many that follow the more traditional “wrong body” narrative. While both seem to be helpful perspectives for learning about the process of transition for an FTM, neither expresses the full spectrum of trans experience. Hormone therapy (HRT) will not be the start of my transition process, even if I do decided to go through with HRT. I began making decisions about my gender identity and my gender presentation years ago. Going on T — or not — doesn’t make me any more of a man (or any more of anything else, for that matter). When the medical transition is the only part of that process that is documented, it feels like something valuable is lost. I’m hoping to include more here, even though I am starting this a few years belatedly.

Also, I don’t feel like I was born in the wrong body. I feel more male than female. I’d probably prefer choose neither, if I felt that was a viable option for everyday living, employment, etc.

More soon on all of this.

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Responses

  1. Curiosity is ever my hamartia and you should, by all means, tell me to piss off if you need to:

    “I feel more male than female. I’d probably prefer choose neither, if I felt that was a viable option for everyday living, employment, etc.”

    Is it that you feel more male than female, or that on a linear chart (if such a thing could be used to describe gender) that you feel closer to being male than female, and the FTM transition puts you closer to the androgynous ideal?

  2. When the medical transition is the only part of that process that is documented, it feels like something valuable is lost.

    As someone who’s been there through, well, if not “all your transition” then at least “all the public parts of your transition,” I completely agree. I don’t think I’d realize how much is involved if not for being around you.

  3. Roo:

    Worry not. You’re in no way overstepping any bounds.

    That’s a difficult question to answer. Or, rather, I still haven’t completely worked out some of my reasoning beyond “because it’s what makes me happy.”

    Linear charts are so useful and yet so inapplicable to how I feel about gender. Despite that… I’d have to separate what answer I can give into mental (?) and physical. On a spectrum, I don’t feel like I identify with the female end of the spectrum at all. If I were to position myself, I would be somewhere between the center point and the male end. So I’m male-identified, I guess.

    I don’t feel like male “fits” exactly though. This might be different if I were raised male. If I’d never felt completely “out of place,” I might never have interrogated my gender identity sufficiently to feel as though male wasn’t the appropriate place for me. Because of the course I’ve taken in life, however, I just don’t see the accuracy of any kind of male/female binary. Couple that with my love of critical theory and its application to identity/ies… you get the picture.

    Physically, on the other hand, I relate to my body in a male way. I’m continually surprised when I realize I have breasts (for instance). It vaguely reminds me of The Matrix; when Neo and Morpheus first enter the Construct, Neo is confused by the lack of plugs, etc., in his body. Morpheus explains Neo’s changed appearance within the program, calling it a “mental projection” or a “residual self image,” I think. That’s how I feel about my body. My mental projection of my appearance is male. By taking hormones and physically transitioning, I would align my body with my self image. I would also ensure that people don’t read me as female-identified. They may not get the genderqueer portion or use gender-neutral pronouns, but since I’d prefer male to female — and those are my only two options in daily life — I’d prefer align with male on a day to day basis.

    That was a particularly long-winded answer. Sorry. Does that clarify anything, or is it just more confusing?

  4. I excel in asking the difficult questions. That being said, I am frankly of the opinion that “because it makes me happy” is a good enough reason.

    I appreciate the time you’ve taken to answer my question in this (and I’m certain I will have more because I’m that kind of girl). It has given me some material on which to cogitate for a bit, and I always appreciate opportunities to think.

    Oh, here’s one: “Because of the course I’ve taken in life, however, I just don’t see the accuracy of any kind of male/female binary.”

    Do you mean male/female binary only in reference to yourself or culturally? Does the designation of male/female have value or the same value culturally because of that?

  5. I think you will find the hormones make some surprising changes… not in your body but in your mind. Men and womens minds do not work the same and the hormones rewire them.
    Good luck

  6. I’m happy to have found this blog, as I’ve been searching for someone out there that feels as I do. I have been researching F2M transgender and genderqueer/androgen people, to see where I fall in that spectrum, and I have had a hard time finding anyone who describes anything but the standard “I’ve always known I was a man trapped in a woman’s body!” story. I have found no support for anyone who feels, I guess, genderqueer, somewhere in between or a combination of male and female, yet would consider transitioning. I realize this is probably because of the irreversible nature of the decision and how some think that if you don’t want to be a man 100% you shouldn’t even think about doing it. But I feel more male than female, and would like a more masculine appearance to better express how I identify internally. Anyway, I will read through your blog and see if perhaps you can shed more light on this issue 🙂


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